I've gone back and forth over the idea of claiming namesake to my website www.realfoodalways.com or if I should keep myself anonymous.
Recently,
I was asked to have my blog featured on another website about
infertility. I was shockingly honored, and when asked if I would like
to remain anonymous in connection with my site, I blanked.
It's
been easier, hiding behind the keyboard, being able to write whatever
the hell I want. Heck, I can swear if I want, talk dirty details about
sex if I want, even complain about my family or job as much as I want.
Or, I could own up, name thyself, release the shame of infertility along with all of the mental cobwebs that attaches to it.
Typically
when you have an illness, the more people who know about it, the
better. You have more people to support you through the battles of the
disease. With infertility, it is more difficult to make claims to the
awkward diagnosis. Hiding is the name of the game, because who wants to
air out their laundry dripping with old ovaries or wrinkled with
erroneous hormones?
I've noted that women who
speak out in public about their problems with fertility, many times have
already resolved the issue before telling their story to the Oprahs or the
blogosphere. Their tale usually has a happy ending about donor eggs or
adoption or their positive fifth attempt at IVF. It is not often that
mainstream magazines are editing story lines where the featured human or
couple is currently wading through the pool of infertility. Magazines
such as People get their kicks surmising about the infertility of the
famous. Think "childless" star Jennifer Aniston, where the gossip has been non-stop about her being pregnant or inability to become pregnant. In 2014 she was interviewed about her failure to have a child . She spoke up for many women stating, "I am no less of a woman because I am childless."
Should you come out of the infertility closet?
I've
found that disclosing your misfortune with fertility to friends and
family initially feels good, unloading a weight that's been resting for
too long on your already sagging shoulders. But, for me that initial
feeling wears away, as time passes on. Your fertility still continues
to be your problem, but your friend/family assumes it must be over or
cured. "How can it take this long to get pregnant?" "Oh, you have to do
another IVF?" If
they've experienced infertility directly, then it may present as a
different story. They can feel your pain better, but since they've been
through it themself they may not be able to give as much as they'd like. They may still be grieving their journey or they finally have their own little
one so it's hard for them to remember the agony.
Back
to the original question. Why do I care if someone knows that I am no
fertile myrtle?
- Is shame the answer? Why do I feel shame? Listen to this TedTalk video where Brene Brown speaks about shame and vulnerability. She defends that vulnerability is NOT weakeness.
- Is society to blame? As women, we are expected to bear children and if we cannot do that, than something is wrong with us.
Growing up, I was lucky to be able to do everything that I wanted.
MVP of the field hockey team? Check.
Senator of my class?
Check.
Valedictorian?
Check.
And the list goes on.
Interestingly
for me, throughout most of my life, I was able to do everything that I
wanted. Yes, I had to work hard for it and I put a lot of pressure on
myself while doing it. Now all I want is a wee one and I am unable to do it, attain
it, or put the photo on my shelf with the rest of my "checks. " And the pressure that I put on myself for this goal, is more than one woman should withstand.
And this my readers, is
why I feel shame. Society may be responsible for not addressing
infertility directly in the eye, but I am holding myself fully
accountable for letting myself feel it.
I promise to not let
shame get the better of me, but for now I will remain nameless, an
anonymous blogger amongst the rest. Hopefully it's just for the
meanwhile.
Thank you to Yesh Tikva for allowing this story to post anonymously.
Thank you to Yesh Tikva for allowing this story to post anonymously.
Want to read a good blog on infertility that is not anonymous?
How about some anonymous letters from women who face fertility challenges?
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